


A.D.E.A.

by nanda (nandamai)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Age Discrimination, Aliens Make Them Do It, F/M, Humor, Multi, OT3, Outdoor Sex, established threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-17
Updated: 2006-04-17
Packaged: 2017-11-15 14:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nandamai/pseuds/nanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jack gets left out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A.D.E.A.

**Author's Note:**

> Fanfic cliché no. 008b. No spoilers, but I did steal the planet from an episode. Written for surreallis.

“So, this ritual …” Daniel tapped one finger on his bottom lip, doing a fine impression of a professor who’d lost his chalk in the middle of a lecture. “You believe that if your …”

“Guests,” Carter supplied. 

“… guests … copulate in the rain, the rain will stop?”

“ _Stopping_ the rain is new,” Jack said. Daniel and Carter each spared him a quick, amused glance. Teal’c looked about ready to bolt. Teal’c had once put in for hazard pay for a mission like this.

“It is an ancient tradition among our people, Dr. Jackson,” said Xel Adenal, mayor of the only remaining city on P3L-997. The planet’s moon was in a decaying orbit, causing earthquakes and all sorts of weird weather. The rain had started five years ago — a few months after SG-1′s first visit.

Jack really, really hoped it wasn’t their fault. 

“Naturally,” the mayor said, “we gave up such primitive beliefs centuries ago, but as the catastrophe grows, many look to the old ways for deliverance. Our most honored citizens have already made their attempts.”

Outside, water slopped on the window.

Jack sighed. These people had seemed so sensible on first contact. But hey, a little muddy sex was never a bad thing, in his mind, and it was for a good cause. He shrugged at his team and put a hand on Xel’s shoulder. “Well, seeing as we’re old friends and all, I think we can help you folks out.”

Teal’c cleared his throat.

“Okay, so the three of us can help you,” Jack said. “Teal’c's above all that sex stuff.”

“Oh.” Xel twisted his hands together, his expression suggesting that he thought his own death might be much more imminent than those of his people. “Oh, Colonel O’Neill, I was not asking you to participate. It is the young, pretty ones who –”

“Young?” Jack couldn’t deny the pretty.

Carter said, “Hey!” 

Daniel waggled his eyebrows at Jack. “Younger than you.”

Teal’c mumbled something that could have been, “If I still had a god I would pray for forbearance.”

“And of course,” Xel said in a quick, almost indecipherable stream, “as they are the scientists who have worked most closely with us to prevent the destruction of our planet, it seems only fitting that –”

“I’ll have you know,” Jack said, inclining his head so he towered over Xel, “I’ve got more stamina than both of them put together.” And his 50-something ass was looking fine, too, if he did say so himself.

Carter raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Daniel rolled his eyes and shook his head, as if to say, _Please forgive him, he’s delusional_.

“Just last week I got them –”

“O’Neill!”

Jack gave Teal’c what he hoped was a withering stare, and Carter took advantage of the moment.

“Daniel and I would be happy to participate, Xel,” she said. She then bestowed a huge smile upon the little man.

“Yes, yes,” Daniel said, “very happy.”

“You’d be –” Jack gave up on English and pulled them both away by the elbows, out of the mayor’s office to the corridor beyond. Teal’c followed reluctantly. 

“Ouch?” Daniel said when Jack let go. He rubbed his arm.

Jack got right to the point. “Are you _nuts_?”

“You’d already agreed,” Carter said brightly. “We can’t back out now.”

“Oh, you sure as hell can.”

“Where’s the harm, Jack?” Daniel asked. The lighting played off his hair. “So we’ll be naked and wet. So what? They’ll trust us more with the evacuation if they know we’ve tried every other possible option.”

Where’s the harm? _So what?_

“Besides,” Carter said, “the whole thing could be our fault.”

“It’s not our fault!” Jack said.

“It might be,” she said.

Teal’c said, “Indeed.”

Jack frowned at the lot of them. No loyalty whatsoever. “It’s not going to work, you know,” he said, very close to pouting.

“Well, it did work that one time on P4C –”

“Daniel! Coincidence!” 

“Maybe not,” Carter said, though they all knew she didn’t believe it for a second. Then she licked her lips, damn her, and said, “You didn’t mind watching the other night.”

“That was only because you two had already worn me — Hey! Not the point!”

She and Daniel both grinned at him. Teal’c wore his _if I pretend hard enough that I am not present, perhaps I will go up in a puff of smoke_ face.

Jack had to admit he didn’t blame the guy.

“You just want to torment me, don’t you?” Jack asked the pretty ones. “Both of you.”

Daniel took a step closer to Carter. “I think it’s working.”

Her grin got bigger. “Definitely working.”

“Ah, ah!” Jack waved a finger at them. “No more of that!” He took off his hat, scrubbed a hand through his hair, and put the hat back on. “You’re going to pay for this,” he told them. “You’re going to pay big.”

Then he shoved them both back inside. Hard.

***

It turned out that only the young, pretty, scientific ones had to go out in the rain. Everybody else got to watch behind the many windows facing the city hall gardens, but Jack had decided he should stick by his team. And so should Teal’c. 

“This?” Daniel pointed to the spot they’d been shown, by a very wet statue of a woman on a horse. He and Carter had left their clothes inside and been given clear, plastic poncho things. Trash bags, basically, though the two of them could make even those look good. “Right here?”

Jack already felt the rain soaking through three layers of Air Force issue. Water poured off the bill of his cap. And he was sure that somehow, Daniel was mocking him.

Next to Jack, Teal’c stood stoically, chin raised.

The trash bags came off.

Jack leaned closer to Teal’c. “I can keep up with them, you know.”

“So you have said, O’Neill.”

Daniel landed in the mud, with Carter on top. Water poured down her spine and between Daniel’s legs. They sucked the air out of each other’s lungs.

“I can wear them out!” Jack told Teal’c.

“You have said this also, O’Neill.”

Carter rotated her hips and Daniel threw his head back, mouth open wide to the rain. Oh, this was so _not_ fair. This was age discrimination. Jack was going to sue.

“Both of them!” Jack said. “At the same time! Regularly!”

“I do not wish to hear another word about your sexual prowess, O’Neill.”

They flipped. Carter started painting Daniel’s chest with mud. Damn exhibitionists. Her nipples pointed up into the rain.

 _So_ not fair. He wondered if the AARP would take on his case.

“Just because my hair’s a little gray, that doesn’t mean I can’t –”

“Jealousy does not suit you, O’Neill.”

“Jealous? I’m not — Oh, I don’t believe this.”

Daniel had sat back on his heels, pulling Carter’s hips into his lap. He coaxed her to cross her legs in front of his chest and she moaned his name.

Jack was appalled. “See! See! That move! I taught them that move! And it always makes her –”

“I must return to the Stargate, O’Neill. I believe it is time for me to leave the service of the Tau’ri and rejoin the Jaffa.”

Jack waved him away. He wasn’t worried. Teal’c said that at least once a week.

Damn those two. Carter was now talking dirty like there was no tomorrow, which she _knew_ drove Jack crazy. Daniel’s eyes were shut tight and he drove into her like a rutting pig. Then he stilled and grunted, and she tossed her head and groaned, and Jack just about fell over. 

Finally the pretty ones wilted and just lay there breathing, her hand rubbing his muddy back.

The entire city council ran outside, each one looking hopefully up into the clouds. Jack just hoped they weren’t as … interested as he was. He shifted from foot to foot.

And people wondered why he always wore his pants two sizes too big.

Rain kept slithering down Jack’s neck. He took a few steps and prodded Daniel’s ass with his boot. “I don’t think it worked,” he said.

Carter opened her eyes and studied the clouds for a moment. “I think you might be right,” she said, a smile playing with the corners of her mouth. Her chest was pink.

Daniel rolled onto his back, still moaning a little.

Two children processed slowly towards them, offering cloaks made out of something like sealskin. 

“Where’s Teal’c?” Daniel asked as he stood. He tried to wipe mud from his face but only managed to spread it around. 

Jack sloshed in his BDUs and shifted his weight again. “Oh, he ran off to join the Jaffa.”

“Again?” Carter asked. Brown rivulets slid from her hair to her shoulders, and then between her breasts. She pulled the sealskin tighter around her.

Daniel was now trying to get the mud off his ribs. “It is getting kind of old, isn’t it?” he said. 

Jack started calculating how much a week at some hot springs somewhere would cost. For three. With mud baths. Lots and lots of mud baths.

The good thing about being 50-something was that he could afford to do shit like that.

Xel squished up to them, trying very hard to hide his disappointment. “You have our deepest gratitude, Major Carter, Dr. Jackson,” he said. “My secretary will show you to the bathing area. We appreciate your efforts on behalf of our people.” 

Jack started to say, _Efforts?_ but a bare heel stepped on his toes. He turned to glare at the foot’s owner, who still hadn’t put his cloak on, and had trouble turning back.

“In the old times, of course,” Xel said, oblivious, “the participants wore the mud for three days and nights, but naturally we do not expect you to do the same.” He couldn’t hide the hope in his voice, either.

Carter shook some mud out of her hair and it flew to Jack’s cheek. She hadn’t stopped smiling yet. “We’re just happy to help, Xel,” she said. “Would it be all right if the colonel came with us to the … bathing area?”

Jack stopped in the middle of raising his sleeve to his face. 

“Oh, yes, yes, anyone you like, of course.”

Now that was more like it.

**Author's Note:**

> A.D.E.A. is the US law that prohibits age discrimination in the workplace.


End file.
